It's not simple to say..

Most days I don't recognize myself, in this situation with the words I chose in conversation with people I love. Sometimes I feel I was a born natural to make someone angry. Frequently, on many occasions through the years, it would cause misunderstanding and got my loved one angry and hurt people, I used to call friends. And I don't even feel the need to explain myself, in my mind, I felt that if he who really loves me will forgive. Until now, I've yet to find someone that has forgiven me. Not many people know how I really feel and think cause no one have the patience to stay longer.

Sometimes I feel I'm reckless just enough and end up meeting the wrong people and get used by a man who can't love me. I get stuck and be scared of life and I get bruised all over again, time after time. I'm not anything like I used to be, I never like to meet people anymore, because I would never really know what to say or use the right words. For years, it didn't help, it is like a defend system I have to get rid of anyone who cares because deep down I know they will leave me one day in pain.

I was imperfect but I have a good heart and would not harm anyone. I'm lonely most of the time, craving for someone who would pamper me without reason, but I am too afraid to meet anyone new. I really hate myself sometimes and more than once the thought of killing myself occurs, luckily my sense of responsibility to my family and work kept me going.

I break down and cry many nights.  I may be broken, I may be struggling inside but I need to move on.

Almost 2years on...

 It is almost coming to the end of Q3 2021, yet today we are still looking at how Covid-19 have affected us globally. Some countries are getting the 3^rd waves or 4^th due to variants of covid while others are still struggling and locked down measures in place in hope to stop further spread

Countries with high vaccination rates are slowly implementing small steps to open up domestically but with stringent measures for travelers.

Some business strive while other, even the traditional heritage businesses have called it the end of their era. During this period, I've learned and adapted to being by myself and tend to get some social anxiety instead when there's a need to meet. It has been so long, that conversation with people you know seems to be awkward at some occasions. Hopefully, this is just temporary and we can slowly learn to be how we are before. For now. Stay safe and hope that we fight off covid globally.