Most days I don't recognize myself, in this situation with the words I chose in conversation with people I love. Sometimes I feel I was a born natural to make someone angry. Frequently, on many occasions through the years, it would cause misunderstanding and got my loved one angry and hurt people, I used to call friends. And I don't even feel the need to explain myself, in my mind, I felt that if he who really loves me will forgive. Until now, I've yet to find someone that has forgiven me. Not many people know how I really feel and think cause no one have the patience to stay longer.
Sometimes I feel I'm reckless just enough and end up meeting the wrong people and get used by a man who can't love me. I get stuck and be scared of life and I get bruised all over again, time after time. I'm not anything like I used to be, I never like to meet people anymore, because I would never really know what to say or use the right words. For years, it didn't help, it is like a defend system I have to get rid of anyone who cares because deep down I know they will leave me one day in pain.
I was imperfect but I have a good heart and would not harm anyone. I'm lonely most of the time, craving for someone who would pamper me without reason, but I am too afraid to meet anyone new. I really hate myself sometimes and more than once the thought of killing myself occurs, luckily my sense of responsibility to my family and work kept me going.
I break down and cry many nights. I may be broken, I may be struggling inside but I need to move on.
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