Falling in love comes without a signal, one would fall in love some times at one's most unexpected. Knowing someone from a total stranger to someone you have affection for can take just moments or years of friendship. What is yours?
No matter who you are, never say that you will never fall in love again, as you would never know. I've once given up on relationship as I never seem to meet someone that love me enough. I guess I was not a great lover but better as a friend. That's why I have a better chance of getting good friends than lovers. Maybe it was never meant to be. Everywhere I go, people that I met that have interest in me, seems to have a different agenda in their mind. I met more that prefer my looks and body than who i am. They dont know me well enough and I was not as open-minded as i should have.
After all, lovers tend to get intimate after a period. I was more of a conservative nature and mainly thanks to my brought up. I treat intimacy seriously. So at some points, I am sensitive and got angry easily when my lover advances their approach in a relationship. I would back away and in any case, I show anger towards them, and subsequently, I have gone missing and leave the relationship.
After these many years, I am still a better friend than a lover. When any feelings get involved, it gets complicated. I have gone in too quickly and I hurt my lover badly. I blame myself for all my past relationships. It was never their fault, it has always been me. I am not able to make sure what i want and demand too much attention than i needed and I scare them away with my no reason sudden anger towards their words and touch. which no relationship would be successful since one party cannot really be open towards one other how and why they feel this way.
I know now and it would be hard for me to change. I regret every one of my relationships, since the end of the day I, myself believe, I was the cause of the failed relationship. And i always use my anger to fend myself and get myself out of a relationship only to regret it when i cooled myself. While my lovers were too lost to know what they have done and most were not mature enough to know me well and make me understand.
Until today, I try to be open-minded as much as i can, thinking that age and experience would have help. But then, i was disappointed that I have done it yet again, got myself angry over little things. No one would be expected that a little teasing would trigger anger in me. Today, I kept thinking over and over again, why I have done what i did. Am I not ready to accept this relationship or am I afraid of something? I know I felt really bad, regretful, and even frustrated with myself after that. I don't even understand myself so how can I forgive myself for what I have done. My lover have no reason to be treated the way I did. My lover has every reason to be disappointed with me, even if he have said goodbye, I have no rights to ask him to stay since I was the one who asked him to leave me alone in the first place. Maybe I will be alone from now on, until maybe I find someone that really know me enough to be there and support me on this flaw of mine.
I am still waiting for someone who would accept who I am and be there even when I did wrong. Be there by my side even when i got angry, because end of the day, I am angrier with myself than at them.
I was selfish, ignorant, and always so angry. I hurt my lover and I kill the relationship. I blame myself.
I never really settle down my mind to be with him, I created a situation that made me frustrated and pushes the blame. For this, I am saying sorry and goodbye. I hope you find someone that really loves you.
Goodbye.
